There are moments where I just don't know what I want anymore. Everything around me bothers me. I'm irritable, detached, reckless. I'm an addict. I'm my illness. Everything is in chaos. And I don't feel anymore. I feel too much and not at all. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know how to please everyone and myself.
I don't have a voice. I am nothing. I don't feel like myself these days. Things just keep happening. Somehow I'm just here. Barely existing and struggling not to drown. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I want. I'm scared. Having some sort of moral compass would be great right now. I need a plan. I need direction. I'm tired of feeling lost.
I wrote those words years ago and truth be told, they feel as if they were written by another person. It’s hard to fathom that I wrote those words and felt such immense pain and suffering. Yet there is no mistake. Those are my words, my thoughts, my feelings. I spent years battling an eating disorder, depression, and other mental health issues. I spent every waking day drowning under the weight of the world and woke up wanting to die. My only relief came in the form of self destruction and putting my head to a pillow each night. My every waking moment was too much to bear and I was not strong enough to swim.
We all have our crazy moments. I mean, real crazy moments. The moments when yet another bill comes and you have no idea how you’re going to get yourself out of debt. The crazy moment of a loved one receiving a diagnosis and feeling utterly helpless to make things better. The crazy moment of having a car die on you and no means of being able to replace it any time soon. Every single one of us has our own crapstorms. They each affect us in different ways but the underlying current is the same, we’re left feeling crazy and wondering how we’re going to swim through the chaos of our lives.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: despite how chaotic our crazy moments may feel, you are going to make it.
I can almost guarantee someone has read that line and shaken their head in disbelief. You may feel as if you’re at the end of your rope and you can go no further. You’re crawling on your hands and knees in the dark, unable to see your hands right in front of you. I’ve been there, friend. I intimately know what those moments are like. Sometimes they last for hours, sometimes days, or even months. Those dark tunnel, crazy days seem never ending. But I promise you, you are going to make it.
“Is anyone crying for help? GOD is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you’ll find GOD right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”
Psalm 34:17-18 MSG
There have been many times in my life where I have cried, screamed, and completely lost my mind. Those end-of-everything moments when the emotions are so palpable that it comes forth with very little effort. Those moments where you cry at anything and everything, sometimes for hours on end. I’ve been there. Perhaps you’ve dealt with an eating disorder, self harm, or suicidal thoughts.
In the depths of my despair and craziness, I couldn’t find God with two hands and a flashlight. I was so off the beaten path and truth be told, I honestly didn’t think God cared. I didn’t think He could hear my guttural cries and screams. For days and months, my crapstorms were never ending. It’s easy to think in those moments that you’re abandoned by God or that He’s simply punishing you. You are not alone if you’ve ever felt that.
Truth is, God is always listening. He doesn’t move when we want Him to. Not always. Sometimes, He wants us to be patient. To trust Him. Our crazy, dark moments aren’t to harm us; though I know it’s easy to forget that in the thick of it all. Sometimes it’s to grow us. May not make sense in the moment, but perhaps in the future. I look back on all I’ve gone through in my life, many of which I do not understand, but I can see where His hand was guiding me. I can see how the hardships I’ve gone through have shaped me and has better equipped me to help others. No hurt or struggle is ever wasted.
“Disciples so often get into trouble; still, GOD is there every time. He’s your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.”
Psalm 34:19-20 MSG
I don’t think any of us can lead a crazy free or hurt free life. We all go through something. Perhaps your crazy chaos looks totally different than mine, and that’s okay. All of us get banged up by life; battered and bruised. Yet, He is there always protecting us. In our worse moments, things could be even worse. He is always there, the light unto our path to light the way out.
No matter where you are right now, please know you are not alone in your struggle. I know it may be hard to believe, but God will place people in your life to help you out of the dark. He’s done it time and time again in my life. So with great confidence, I know He will do it in yours. You are so loved by the Creator. There is nothing–no amount of craziness–that can keep Him from you. Cling close to Him. Pray often. Stay in His word and around those who will uplift you. Confess your struggles to trusted loved ones and watch your life change. He is there. He wants to be your light out of the darkness.
No matter how dark or bleak it may seem, you are going to make it. Surrender yourself to Him. Be in community with others who will point you back to the healing love of the Father. Even if you don’t believe it right now, I know you will make it. My faith speaks it to me and I am rooting for you. You got this!
Kelsi Turner is a writer, photographer, and advocate. Born and raised outside of St. Louis, she lovingly calls the Midwest her home. When she’s not spending time with friends and family, you can find her binge watching Golden Girls on Hulu or snacking on Girl Scout peanut butter cookies. You can read more of her heart and find her typing away over at her blog, here.