BELIEVING THERE IS MORE

by McKinzie Knoll - October 10 2018

God,

Here I am.

I have guarded my heart for 23 years; and now, I am desperate to have it be seen. Hiding behind smiles, sarcasm, or well-crafted answers is not going to work anymore. I often wander through my days, weeks, even years, with fear and doubt as my guides. Conversations are left to dance across the surface of my soul; yet, I silently cry out for depth, for richness.

“I want more! I believe there has to be more.”

Here I am, desperate enough to breathe out the words–the wonderings–I hide on the tablet of my soul. And, I don’t know if I am the only one who feels this need… but I am going to believe today there is someone else in the world who carries the same strand of desperate hope that I do.

Here I am, all 5 feet 3 inches of me. A small, white canvas that is speckled with one too many “angel kisses.” Broken, beloved, desperate.

Here I am, ready.

People have told and asked me, “You need to share your own story” or “When is it going to be your turn?” While this thought or question sounds encouraging and beautiful, it oftentimes feels intimidating and sorrow-filled. You see, I don’t feel like I have my own story. I don’t know what questions I would ask myself or what broken story God has redeemed…because I am still in the process of being healed.

I am still broken.

Reality: my story is still strands of anxiety, doubt, comparison, and insecurity. I live with these things wrapped around my soul, and dancing in every corner of my mind. I am as imperfect as they come. However, I believe there is more for me than this. Just like every story on Tablet of  the Heart has shown, there is hope within my brokenness. I will not be accompanied by that list forever; rather, I believe these things will be used to write exquisite words upon the Tablet of my Heart.

For now, I hope you will be satisfied with this: Psalm 40:3-5 - “He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie! You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.”

These words are what God is inscribing into the fabric of Tablet of the Heart. And, as a result, into me. He has put a new song in my mouth to sing: I may be broken, but I believe that He heals…and I believe many will see and fear because of the stories given freedom within this space. I believe God is worthy of my trust, even if my mind won’t settle in truth or other people appear happier than me. And, above all else, I believe God has done wondrous deeds that cannot be compared to…And I want to be a part of exposing His glory to the rest of the world. “I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.”

I want to knock, seek, and find the stories He has written into people’s lives and give His glory a spotlight.

This is my story: wrestling through my own brokenness, while seeking to glorify God through exposing other’s relationship with brokenness and healing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I am an Oregon-grown, small, fiery human with a need for words, tea, and eye contact. If we ever meet, you will likely finding me laughing at (and with) humanity or looking for my next thrifted outfit. I am also the voice behind Tablet of the Heart, a passion project I created to expose God’s stories and how they are written into our brokenness. You can find me on Instagram @mckinzieknoll

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